The last week or two has been filled with days messy with tears spilling all over in my chest for no reason other than that is the weight of life, sometimes, when I let myself feel it. It seems to be a normal December thing for me, as I look through the few entries I have written in past Decembers’ journals, most of them scribbled quickly and filled with sweet obscenity-laden prayers. I have found myself crying in the morning and crying in the evening and crying myself to sleep with no answer for Adam’s worried “What’s wrong?”s other than “I don’t think it’s all bad, whatever it is.”
My tears seem to have subsided, at least for today. I don’t think they were bad tears. I think sometimes the way God works on me is to have me cry things out for a while, a detox of sorts. And as I said, in the midst of the sadness I’ve been feeling, the long hours of sleep, the occasional nausea, I’ve had the sweetest days I’ve had in quite a while.
I think something I learned these long days is that the world does not revolve around how I am feeling. How I feel things are has no bearing on what I know is true. I may feel like a failure, but that’s bullshit. I may feel hopeless, but that’s a lie. There is a place for feelings, but their place is not to determine my identity or worth. My worth is not determined by my happiness. Nor is my success.
When I’m feeling very very down but know I’m okay, I find it best to tell my feelings to go fuck themselves. I try to turn my face out and take care of other people instead of worrying about myself. I’m no saint, and I’m not very good at it, but thinking about how to make peoples’ day’s lighter seems to be a much better and sweeter use of brainspace. It so good, that exchange of care and love we can have with each other. It’s easy to become self-contained in this culture, sometimes I forget that. As for taking car of myself, I pray. Usually prayers laced with obscenities.
And now, after all of that crying and doing and praying, I feel more solid, selfless, a bit more ready for what’s to come, and a bit more sure very very good things are to come.
So here’s to tears in December! The best kind I know! Here’s to crying for no reason and the best reason. Here’s to falling in this snow now and again, smiling at strangers, and chatting with the UPS man that wheels packages in a cart like Tevye wheels the milk when his horse’s leg is lame. And hears to you, kind readers. I enjoy and appreciate your visits here and comments and wish I could send you all one of these fine lussekatter I am nibbling on. If you live nearby, stop over and I’ll send you home with a couple. For the rest of you, I’ll leave you with this poem by W. S. Merwin that was introduced to me by a dear friend.
Thanks by W.S. Merwin
Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridges to bow for the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions.
back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
looking up from tables we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you
over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you
with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is