I was looking through my photographs the other day, searching for portraits I like to put in an online gallery. As I sorted through the files, I couldn’t help but notice how few formal portraits I have. And how few pictures I have of big, grand things or events. Most of my pictures are of things I might almost look over: things left behind or set out to dry, things that are too high or too low, the smaller flower. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself because I think my place in things is so often a quieter place without much grand applause. But I think that place is what allows me to see the other unseen places, like sitting in the far corner of the room. Writing reminds me of that. And I like it.
The more I write, the more it’s a life I love. I love sitting and stitching away (or pegging away, depending on the day) at all the small pieces of the picture for hours. The writing world of rumpled shirts, funny walks, and imaginative trees is so rich to me compared to the academic world. There was a time I wanted to be a professor (though I’m not sure if I ever really, really wanted it). But I like this better. It suits me. Even though it seems crazy and impossible sometimes.
I started a new story last week that’s new territory for me. It’s a grown-up story that I know nothing about, yet, but it’s thrilling (and occasionally maddening) to watch it slowly unfold. And I think the main character is a good influence on me. He has such a simple, easy way with things, it’s hard to let myself get too knotted up around him.
Yesterday, before a smoothie meeting at work (there are worse things than working someplace where the meetings are about coffee smoothies), I walked to State Street and treated myself to the perfume I’ve been dreaming after for about a year. It’s linden blossom perfume, sweet and old-fashioned. I’m sure the scent is out of style, and I’m not sure if anyone will like it but myself, but as I was doing dishes, I caught a whiff of it now and again. And I wondered where it came from. If a breeze was carrying in a bouquet of fragrant trees. And then I remembered that it was me. It was such a pleasure. Do you have any small luxuries that make you glad like that?
I took a few minutes away from Friday cleaning to sit in the garden and drink coffee. I wrote a real, raw list there that went something like this:
God, here is a list of the ugly, stupid lies I believe about myself:
It might sound lame, but it was honest. And by the time I got to lie number three, I felt so free, I couldn’t even remember any more of that bullshit. It all was so small. Sometimes I turn my head away from the ugly stuff I should face head on. Like that will make it disappear. But the freedom is in carrying it out into the light.
If you feel so inclined, give it a shot.
May is such a beautiful time of year. It’s nice to just be able to enjoy it, again, without stressing over finals or pining for summer break. This suits me.
4. Making excuses for other people doesn’t deepen grace, it cheapens it. True fogiveness is in recognizing the broken bits, and knowing that all of that is totally pardoned. It’s saying, “Who cares? That isn’t who they are. That isn’t who I am.” Pretending there’s nothing to forgive just keeps me from so much sweeter things.
5. Once can make lovely, frothed milk in a french press.
Four jobs I’ve had:
1) receptioninst
2) nanny
3) kitchen staff
4) barrista
Four movies I’ve watched more than once:
1)Little Women
2) Fiddler on the Roof
3) The Big Lebowski
4) You’ve Got Mail…
and just about every other movie I really liked. I enjoy repetition.
Four places I’ve lived:
1) Genesee, WI
2) Alvdal, Norway (5 months)
3) Constanta, Romania (3 months)
4) Madison, WI (2 years and counting)
Four TV shows I watch:
1) No Reservations
2) Gilmore Girls
3) Good Eats
4) Sponge Bob Square Pants. Usually with Adam on Saturday mornings. Because that’s the way we roll.
Four places I’ve been:
1) the grocery store
2) Sognefjord
3) the Black Sea
4) the world’s highest bungee jump site
Four people who email me regularly (doesn’t include blogging comments):
1) Garrett and the Homegirls (high school buddies)
2) Bri
3) Laurel
4) Mom
Four of my favorite foods:
1) apples
2) good cheese
3) olive oil
4) berries
Four places I would like to visit:
1) Morocco
2) Somalia (if it’s safe in my lifetime)
3) India
4) England
Four things I’m looking forward to in the coming year:
1) writing
2) summertime
3) making home of a new apartment
4) learning
Yesterday, I was a punk. And a grump. And to repay me for my punk-en grump-enness, Adam brought me a bouquet of cotton candy at work. That’s love, there.
I am bellybutton-deep in reading and writing and reading about writing. And a good bottle of wine. And warm days. And thinking about delicious dinner. And delightful friends.
I’ve been listening to this song quite a bit lately. And reading Huckleberry Finn. And being with friends. And thinking about friends. And smoking pipes by the river. And thinking about making pipes. And watching buds bloom. And wondering what story I want to write next.
Thank you for reading, you kind, wonderful people.
It’s been so sunny and colourful these days. Oh, where did I put the camera?
Walking to the co-op to buy some juice, yesterday, I ran into Jonah, who is still a bit of a stranger, and also quite a friend. In the usual fashion, we abandoned our tasks and walked for an hour barefoot on the grass, talking about food, society and friendship. Chance encounters are absolutely one of my favourite things. I’d like to spend some time walking slowly and cultivating all sorts of them.
Today I bought plants at the market and put them in pots on the porch. My fingernails are full of dirt. Playing in dirt might be another one of my favourite things.
Sunny days, barefoot walks, potting soil. I love this time of year.
On the sidewalk that led me to work, fifty-nine cock-eyed squares were scribbled in sidewalk chalk. It was quiet in a warm, peaceful way as I hopped and hopped.
Adam is sick. I love him. We sat outside on the porch last night and drank tea while the sun went down. He loves me, too.
I will learn love. I will love every day.
I forgot how wonderful summer is. Hopscotch on the sidewalk.
Sitting on the couch for a moment, feeling glad as my husband cooks Saturday night dinner. Watching evening fall as people bike home outside the open windows. People talk so much about food around here. Vegan, vegetarian, organic, grass-fed, low-fat, low-carb, gluten-free, sugar-free, hormone-free…the mind reels. People eat so many different ways for so many different reasons, it makes my head spin to try to sort it out.
And now dinner is done and set before me smelling so good. I’m so glad we eat in this world. I’m glad I have food.
